101 Funny Quotes That Will Make You Laugh

Are you in need of a good laugh? Whether you’re having a rough day at work or just looking to lighten the mood with friends, everyone could use a hilarious pick-me-up now and then. And what better way to do that than with funny quotes? 

These clever and witty one-liners have the power to instantly bring a smile to our faces and inject a much-needed dose of joy into our lives. From witty gems from The Office to side-splitting zingers from Jerry Seinfeld, this compilation is chock-full of 101 of the funniest quotes that are practically guaranteed to have you laughing out loud. 

So grab a seat, unwind, and get ready to giggle your way through this article.

2. “There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.” ― Mindy Kaling

3. “People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”  — Joan Rivers

4. “Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.”  — Michael Scott, The Office

5. “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” — Zach Galifianakis

6. “Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, ‘Would an idiot do that?’ And if they would, I do not do that thing.” — Dwight Schrute, The Office

7. “I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” — Jack Whitehall

8. “There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.” ― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

9. “I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” — Chandler Bing, Friends

10. “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” ― Albert Einstein

11. “Be wise, because the world needs wisdom. If you cannot be wise, pretend to be someone who is wise, and then just behave like they would.” — Neil Gaiman

12. “The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.” — Tom Clancy

13. “I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.” ― Oscar Wilde

14. “I admit that I live in the past, but only because housing is so much cheaper.” — Matt Wohlfarth

15. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” —Jack Handey

16. “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”  — Isaac Asimov

18. “A woman is like a tea bag: You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.” — Eleanor Roosevelt

19. “Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.” — Oprah Winfrey

20. “Well, you know what they say: If you don’t have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me.” — Clairee Belcher, Steel Magnolias

21. “The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re OK, then it’s you.” — Rita Mae Brown

22. “When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.'” ― Groucho Marx

23. “Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.” — Charlotte Whitton

25. “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” — George Burns

26. “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.” — Joan Rivers

27. “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” — Lucille Ball

28. “Honey, time marches on and eventually you realize it is marchin’ across your face.” — Truvy Jones, Steel Magnolias

29. “Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That’s one of my mottos.”  — Stanley Hudson, The Office

30. “People say, ‘How you stay looking so young?’ I say, well, good lighting, good doctors, and good makeup.” — Dolly Parton

31. “Look, you didn’t ask me for my opinion, but I’m old, so I’m giving it anyway.” — Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls

32. “I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.” — Jerry Seinfeld

33. “As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” — Sir Norman Wisdom

34. “The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.” — Betty White

35. “People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends, I need a Ouija board.” —Betty White

36. “I was surprised when I started getting old. I always thought it was one of those things that would happen to someone else.” — George Carlin

38. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell

39. “Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.” — Pauline Thomason

40. “If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” — Aldo Cammarota

41. “Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.” — Albert Einstein

42. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner

43. “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” ― Phyllis Diller

44. “The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” — Dolly Parton

45. “As a man in a relationship, you have a simple choice. You can either be right, or you can be happy.” — Ralphie May

46. “It seems I have spent a lifetime of mouthing mechanically, ‘Say thank you. Sit up straight. Use your napkin. Close your mouth when you chew. Don’t lean back in your chair.’ Just when I finally got my husband squared away, the kids came along.” — Erma Bombeck

47. “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” — Shirley MacLaine

48. “I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?” — Jean Illsley Clarke

49. “The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him.” — Oscar Wilde

51. “I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.”  — W.C. Fields

52. “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”  — Elbert Hubbard

53. “Reality continues to ruin my life.” ― Bill Watterson

54. “I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.” ― Mae West

55. “I’ve had great success being a total idiot.” ― Jerry Lewis

56. “Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” — Samuel L. Jackson

57. “Never miss a good chance to shut up.” ― Will Rogers

58. “Don’t be so humble — you are not that great.” ― Golda Meir

59. “Instant gratification takes too long.” — Carrie Fisher

60. “I love mankind… it’s people I can’t stand!!”  ― Charles M. Schulz

61. “The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.” — Oscar Wilde

62. “If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.” — Judith Martin

63. “All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” — Alexander Woollcott

64. “You can kid the world, but not your sister.” ― Charlotte Gray

65. “In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.” — Fran Lebowitz

67. “When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.” — Erma Bombeck

68. “I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.” — Damien Fahey

69. “If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” — Reese Witherspoon

70. “The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.” — George Carlin

71. “Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.” — Phyllis Diller

72. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” — Phyllis Diller

73. “It is not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.” — Dorothy Zbornak, The Golden Girls

74. “Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” — Paula Poundstone

75. “It is not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.” — Dorothy Zbornak, The Golden Girls

76. “Everybody wants to save the earth. No one wants to help mom do the dishes.” — P.J. O’Rourke

77. “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.” — Erma Bombeck

78. “When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” — Nora Ephron

80. “Everything I have I owe to this job… this stupid, wonderful, boring, amazing job.” — Jim Halpert, The Office

81. “So this is my life — until I win the lottery.” — Jim Halpert, The Office

82. “By all means, move at a glacial pace. You know how that thrills me.” — Miranda Priestly, The Devil Wears Prada

83. “All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence — then success is sure.” — Mark Twain

84. “Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers

85. “No man goes before his time — unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx

86. “Housekeeping is like being caught in a revolving door.” — Marcelene Cox

87. “I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.” — Joan Rivers

88. “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” — Robin Williams

90. “My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.” ― Tina Fey, Bossypants

91. “The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.”  — James Branch Cabell

92. “I’m killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.” ― Bill Watterson

93. “I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.” — Kevin Malone, The Office

94. “When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure, and I don’t have to shake hands.” — Larry David

95. “I’m not crazy — I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 40 years.” — Ouiser Boudreaux, Steel Magnolias

96. “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” ― Noel Coward

97. “Don’t waste so much time thinking about how much you weigh. There is no more mind-numbing, boring, idiotic, self-destructive diversion from the fun of living.” — Meryl Streep

98. “Even I don’t wake up looking like Cindy Crawford.” — Cindy Crawford

99. “I don’t care what they say about me. I just want to eat.” — Pam Beesly, The Office

100. “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” ― Oscar Wilde

101. “You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.” ― Mae West