If you have yet to watch John Mulaney’s hilariously accurate specials, you’re missing out big time. Mulaney began as a writer on SNL and moved onto becoming one of the best comedians that I know of. There has not been one special where Mulaney has failed to make me laugh, from his entertaining stories to his spot-on inflection to his brilliant punchlines… he’s a comedic mastermind.
I have rounded up some of Mulaney’s best jokes here. If you haven’t watched Mulaney’s shows, I would definitely suggest doing so. A few of these quotes are so much funnier knowing the full backstory and seeing Mulaney actually say it.
“Get out of here with your facts. You’re like the kid at the sleepover who, after midnight, is like, ‘It’s tomorrow now.’ Get out of here with your technicalities. Just because you’re accurate doesn’t mean you’re interesting.”
“13-year-olds are the meanest people in the world. They terrify me to this day because 8th graders will make fun of you but in an accurate way. They will get to the thing that you don’t like about you.”
“I’m standing in the basement and I’m holding a red cup, you’ve seen movies. And I’m standing there holding a red cup and I’m starting to black out and I guess someone said like something something police. And in a brilliant moment of word association I yelled “F*** da police!” And everyone else joined in. A hundred drunk white children yelling f*** da police.”
“I can’t listen to any new songs. Because every new song is about how tonight is the night and we only have tonight. That is such 19-year-old horsesh-t. I want to write songs for people in their 30s called ‘Tonight’s No Good. How About Wednesday? Oh, you’re in Dallas Wednesday? Let’s Not See Each Other for Eight Months and It Doesn’t Matter at All.'”
I wish I’d been a Def Jam comic when that movie came out. I would have torn it to pieces! Be like, “You seen this shit? You seen this Home Alone 2: Lost in New York shit? It’s a grid system, motherfucker! Where you at? 24th and 5th? Where you wanna go? 35th and 6th? 11 up and 1 over, you simple bitch!!”
Sometimes when people order fries, they act like it’s a little adventure. They’ll be like, “If I get fries, you’ll have a couple, right? If I get fries for the table, you’ll have — I know you’ll have fries if I get fries — should we do it? Yeah, let’s be bad! C’mon, let’s do it, all right, we’re gonna take a plate of fries!” It’s like a group of couples agreeing to do ecstasy together.